You're single and looking to get some action. You don't want to rely on a date to pay for a meal and unfortunately, you don't get paid until Friday. I have the perfect solution to solve your problem. Because if there's anything "Pimpin' 101" has taught me, it's that real playas' know how to manipulate things.
First things first, tell him or her that you're feeling slightly under the weather. However, it could be due to the fact that you have a hectic work schedule. Suggest that you think it's nothing, but that he or she should come over so that you don't make the situation worse by being out. Next, head to your local grocery store and grab a frozen pizza. Make sure it's DiGiorno so that it tastes like delivery. For added ambiance, stroll over to the Hispanic foods aisle and pick up a Virgin Mary candle. After lighting the candle, make sure to pray that he or she isn't a virgin; nor someone whose been around the block a couple times. Then, hit up your local Redbox outside the grocery store for $1 DVD rentals. Pick a romantic comedy for subliminal hints of a possible love connection.
Also, don't forget to wait until it's dark outside and quietly snip a few stems off your neighbor's rose bushes. Besides, they owe you one since you didn't even open their medical results from the city clinic that was accidentally sent to your house. And finally, grab one of your empty, expensive bottles of red wine that you have displayed as a shrine in your kitchen, as testament to all the fabulous wine you've had the pleasure to enjoy and fill it with the 2011 Broke Ass Red Wine from Mendoza, Argentina. Jam a cork back in it with your palm and pretend it's a new bottle of wine. I promise, unless your date is psychic or a Sommelier, they'll never know the difference. Moreover, when you're the dessert, no one is even paying attention to what the wine is.
Broke Ass Red pairs perfectly with a cheap date for several reasons. The first being exactly what the name suggests...you're broke! The wine retails for about $5, but at this price-point, it's pretty darn tasty, helping to deter your date from noticing the impostor wine.
Broke Ass Red is a blend of 50% Malbec and 50% Syrah and offers up jammy fruits like plum, black cherry and blackberry, in addition to bacon, black pepper and vanilla. On the palate, it reminds me of taking a bite out of a creamy milk chocolate bar with hints of berries and spice. I sense a small amount of residual sugar that will play nicely off the sweetness of the pizza sauce and the spice notes in the wine should work well with your decision to go with pepperoni. Cross your fingers that he or she isn't a vegetarian!
Next, the wine's slightly high alcohol content will help to set the pace of the evening as does the finish (flavor of the wine), which only lasts a few seconds, but in this case it's perfect since you're not looking for a relationship. And finally, the bottle depicts a picture of a donkey with a Band-Aid on its back side, symbolizing "bandaging your budget," and not wanting to kick yourself in the you know what the following morning because you spent money you didn't have. Cheers to being creative and keeping a spicy love life!